


Communist Propoganda

by merrygentlemen



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Tags May Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-08
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-03-16 21:24:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3503261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merrygentlemen/pseuds/merrygentlemen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which i try to write a one-shot for each au in a very long list (or, johnkat garbage as far as the eye can see)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. tribal au

**Author's Note:**

> i have a long list of au settings. i'm going to try (try being the operative word) to write something for each of them, with the focus being mainly on johnkat. i'm grouping them together so i won't spam ao3... updating will probably be irregular, but let's see where this goes! :) 
> 
> this first one is inspired by a scene from neverland. you can watch it here : http://youtu.be/W749HR2x6wI?t=1h46m31s

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a long list of au settings. i'm going to try (try being the operative word) to write something for each of them, with the focus being mainly on johnkat. i'm grouping them together so i won't spam ao3... updating will probably be irregular, but let's see where this goes! :)  
> this first one is inspired by a scene from neverland. you can watch it here : http://youtu.be/W749HR2x6wI?t=1h46m31s

Karkat was fairly sure that this was not how an ogre hunt was meant to go.

 

It had sounded perfect when he explained it to the humans; he, the newcomer, would charge at the beast, poking and taunting and angering it enough to make it follow him to the narrow ravine between the cliff side and the forest. If he ran fast enough, he could make it safely, and be rescued by the hunting party waiting at the top of the cliff. And once he was safe, the hunters would be free to shoot their arrows at the now-trapped ogre.

 

He'd prove himself to them, and maybe even trade in his "mutated outsider" status for something else, something better. Maybe these humans would recognize his awesomeness, and maybe leaving Alternian civilization to live in a human village was not such a bad idea, even though their technology was ridiculously behind that of the empire.

 

And of course, because he was Karkat, he fell hilariously short of the heroic plans he had made. Currently, he was standing directly in front of a huge, snarling ogre, frozen by crippling fear. Shit.

 

Eyes locked onto the ogre’s own, nothing slowed down, nothing flashed before his eyes. He only had time to feel warmth on his thighs-- oh, of course he was pissing himself, that's exactly what the situation needed, good job bladder-- before mentally bracing himself. He wondered how much pain he would actually feel before slipping into dark oblivion.

 

And then, for a split second, there was movement as someone charged forward, stabbing the ogre’s nose with a small knife and then sprinting away toward the ravine. Carrying out Karkat’s plan. The ogre followed the boy, its footsteps shaking the ground. And then… nothing. Karkat’s chest kept rising and falling, there were no sharp teeth tearing into his flesh. The ogre was gone.

 

The other members of the hunting party followed, probably going to join the others at the top of the cliff and help kill the beast. Karkat was alone.

 

\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

 

The ogre successfully slain, the humans were celebrating. The heavy darkness was split by the large fire, over which the beast’s meat was spinning slowly. The smoky scent of it invaded Karkat’s nostrils, even from where he sat by himself at the very edge of the clearing. A hard, knobby log jutted into his butt, and his face was still warm from shame. Altogether it was very uncomfortable.

 

The only thing that made him more uncomfortable was the two silhouettes walking toward him. Entertaining polite company was not on the list of things he wanted to do right now. Karkat tried to communicate his reluctance through body language, but apparently intent observation of his own feet was not enough of a deterrent.

 

Someone cleared their throat. Karkat looked back up.

 

The taller one, an adult, was closer, and was smiling gently at the smaller human who was sort of hiding behind him. When the adult turned back to Karkat, the troll noticed that his face was weirdly furry, like most of the other adult male humans. It looked especially weird when paired with this man’s broad shoulders and strong arms.

 

Karkat got even more weirded out when the adult started talking to him.

 

“Do you speak Alternian?” he said, in a dialect more rough and blunt than any Karkat had heard before. “I do not speak well, it had been many moons. But John wishes to speak to you, and for him, I will try.”

 

Karkat looked again at the smaller human, recognizing him as the boy who had saved him during the hunt. His face flushed, but he listened to the boy speak softly as the adult translated.

 

“The first time John faced the great ogre, the sha, he was scared. He ran, and did not return for many days,” the man said slowly, trying to find the right words. “When he did come back, I told him, ‘Fear is good, it is a part of us’. But he was ashamed, and did not listen. Today, you helped John prove how much courage he truly has. He is very grateful to you.”

 

The boy bit his lip for a moment, then whispered something else. The man turned, surprised, and said something in the human language. At the boy’s nod, he turned back to Karkat.

 

“He wants to honor you with a tooth of sha. It is an old tradition, one that marks heroes. Come,” he beckoned. John reached for Karkat’s hand, pulling him towards the ogre’s remains. The adult followed.

 

And as they pulled the fangs from the ogre’s skull, wiping blood and gore on each other’s faces, Karkat started to feel a bit better.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next au: 5k au


	2. 5k au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is for orangelemonart, who said something about a johnkat 5k date on tumblr. i have no idea whether this was what you wanted, but i wrote something anyway!

John eyed the competition as he stretched.

 

No one looked particularly threatening, he was easily the most athletic participant there. He hadn’t really expected anything different. People who were actually _good_ at running didn’t show up to charity runs for a dorky science club. He himself was only there because Jade dragged him into it.

 

John’s eyes caught on a dude in a dark turtleneck. Sort of chubby, and absolutely adorable, but so ill-prepared it wasn’t even funny. Turtlenecks are not good running attire. And those shorts.

 

Oh shit, were those even shorts? That was way too much thigh to show for a little 5k.

 

They were cute thighs, though.

 

John was admiring them when the owner of said thighs paused from shifting uncomfortably in  pristine running sneakers (probably his first time wearing them) and swung his head around to glare at his admirer. John smiled and waved a little. Sportsmanship is vital for enjoyable athletics, and he had no reason to be unkind to the competition. Especially when the competition was so cute.

 

John wandered over to the starting line, and they shot the blank soon after. He took off.

 

One of the good things about running cross country was that he knew his limits. And for a 5k, it was well within his limits to go pretty fast for the whole thing. He usually finished in 20 or 25 minutes.

 

With that in mind, he set his pace-- brisk, but he wouldn’t have a problem keeping it steady. Some races, even relatively short ones like this, were about endurance rather than speed. That was something that the other runners didn’t seem to understand-- granted, they were mostly science dorks trying to support their own club, so.

 

John’s endurance, as well as the speed and technique he’d built up from years and years of practice, served him well. He pulled ahead of the main group quickly, and only had the trail markers to guide him. That was okay, he could manage. And it felt nice to be first.

 

Once he got to what he assumed was the halfway point, John stopped for a quick drink. He jogged in place as he detached his water bottle from its place at his hip and drank. He gazed around absentmindedly as he put his water bottle back. It seemed like the trail stopped, and a small sign was directing him to turn back around and continue in the direction he’d come from. Apparently they were using the starting line as the finish line.

 

John turned around and started running again, thinking about how he’d have to share the trail with all the people he’d passed earlier. Maybe he could offer them some encouragement.

 

He did try to be encouraging to the other runners, smiling and saying things like, “Keep it up, you’re almost there!”. Most of them seemed to be doing okay, even if they were going sort of slowly.

 

Well. Most of the ones in front seemed to be doing okay. When he got to the stragglers, he started getting concerned. Some of them looked pretty bad.

 

The runner that looked like they were having the toughest time was that adorable turtleneck dude from earlier. He was a ways behind the other stragglers, and from where John was, it looked like he was going to puke.

 

John pulled over, jogging backwards and matching the choppy slow-then-fast gait of the runner. “Um, are you okay? You don’t look too good, man,” John said.

 

The runner huffed. “I didn’t have breakfast, my stomach is both digesting itself and trying to make one last desperate lunge for freedom in the form of escape, and I hate running more than anything in the damn universe, I am so frustrated right now and I don’t know why on this earth I let Jade drag me into this. No, I am not okay, hand me that bottle of water if the two brain cells you have left can accomplish simple tasks, holy mother of weasel shit.”

 

John blinked as he handed his water bottle to the runner, who stopped to guzzle the liquid. “Wow. That was almost poetic. Oh, hang on-- Jade got you into this too?”

 

The runner wiped his mouth when he was done drinking. “Yeah, she spouted some nonsense about having to support our club either by running or donating, and at the moment I’m mostly broke, so I said I’d run. Which was a really bad decision. How’d she convince you? I haven’t seen you come to the club meetings before.”

 

John chuckled. “She’s my sister. I’m not in the club, actually. I was really into biology when I was younger, but now I don’t really have time for it.”

 

“Oh. That’s too bad, you look like the only person actually enjoying the running part of this fundraiser, it would have been nice to have you again next year. Whatever, I guess,” he clutched his stomach and winced. “Oh. Oh fuck, I am feeling an awful lot like shit right now. I think maybe I am going to barf and pass out at the same time. Is that normal? That is probably not normal.”

 

John yelped as he reached out to support the runner, who was maybe falling a little. “Okay. Okay, that is not normal, when was the last time you ran? Like, no offense, you’re adorable but not really in running gear, you’re overheating like nobody’s business, and if you’d been training for distance your pace would have been different!”

“I don’t run. But I would certainly beat you into a pulp if the exercise were boxing or fencing. You think I’m adorable?”

 

John shifted the body in his arms. Being subtle was for the weak. “Yep, you’re pretty cute.”

 

The runner sniffed, looking about as smug as he could when his face was smooshed against John’s shoulder. “Damn straight.”

 

“Anyway, I’m kind of worried about you. Do you want me to help you get back to the finish, and then we’ll find some shade so you won’t get heat stroke, and then some advil and maybe some trail mix after?”

 

The runner hummed and picked at his turtleneck. “Mm, that sounds really nice. I will try not to throw up on your shoes.”

 

John laughed. “Yeah, that would be good. Let me know if we’re going too fast.”

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

They were the first ones to cross the finish line.

 

John stuck by the runner until he had everything he needed, and even then he was reluctant to go.

 

“Um. I’m John, by the way,” he said as he slowly fed the runner pieces of granola.

 

“I’m Karkat.”

 

“Do you think we could hang out sometime? We can do something other than running, if you want.”

 

Karkat smiled. “Join the science club, maybe you’ll find out.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next au: we’re both third-- no, *seventh* wheels in our group au


	3. we’re both seventh wheels in our group au / ultimate frisbee au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been doing a lot of stuff for school lately! this is sort of short, but i like it anyway! thanks to my friend emmajo for info about ultimate frisbee! you're lovely <3

The first thing John noticed about SGRUB’s new frisbee captain was that he was seriously loud. So loud. The bellowing was heard across the field, which was useful in the sense that everyone could sort of hear what was going on. A small high schooler screaming “THAT WAS A FOUL AND YOU KNOW IT,” at a level of volume that he probably should not posses was a little startling, though. It was totally throwing off John’s focus. 

The second thing John noticed was that the new captain was a cutter. For some reason, he found that funny. Out of the seven players on John’s team, there were four handlers (John, Jade, Roxy, and Dirk) and three cutters (Jake, Rose, and Dave). That meant John, as a handler, was the only one not paired up with a specific person. Even though the pairs were fluid, and everybody sort of passed to whomever was open, the pairs were the most efficient and reliable people to pass to each other. They were a pretty important part of the team. 

Sometimes John would try to convince Jane to join frisbee. It hadn’t worked yet. She was sticking with field hockey. She brought cookies to frisbee practice sometimes, though, so maybe someday. 

Jane not joining meant John didn’t have a designated cutter. He liked to say that it just meant he was paired with all of them, but that was cheesy, even for him. 

So it struck John as funny that their opponents had a team structured the opposite way-- three handlers and four cutters, with the leftover cutter as captain. 

John noticed the third thing while he was guarding the captain-- number 69, Vantas, according to his jersey. His eyes were weirdly focused as they looked for an opening, and he had marks on his face that looked like the ones the girls on his team had on their faces. (It was dark and shiny, so maybe it was black lipstick? It was probably lipstick. He had probably let the girls do it to him. He was totally whipped, ha.) But even though it was probably (definitely) lipstick, he looked… fierce. Like a warrior or something. Like instead of throwing a plastic disc, he should be slicing people open and putting their hearts between his teeth.

John decided that Vantas’ fierceness was a good challenge. His competitive side shone as he blocked Vantas’ throws and called out to his own teammates. Vantas was also a fast runner, one of the only people on a non-SBURB team who could overtake (or even keep up with) John. John was laughing in between gasps as he sprinted, Vantas at his side. And it could have been the sun in his eyes, but for a moment, it looked like Vantas had smiled back. 

Apparently, the entire SGRUB team took frisbee very seriously. They followed their captain’s directions without complaint and ended up winning by a few points. That was okay though, John didn’t care about winning as much as he cared about whether his team had fun-- and judging by their heavy breathing and wide smiles, they’d had a whole lot of fun, so he was happy. 

John’s team was even happier when Jane showed up with cupcakes. 

After a quick group hug, the SBURB team started to split up and walk home-- none of them lived very far from the field, but SGRUB had taken a bus. John waved goodbye to his teammates, and when Jane looked at him expectantly, he took the still-laden cupcake tray from her. “You can go home, I’ll catch up later.”

He started over to the SGRUB team. Maybe they would like the rest of the cupcakes. And maybe Vantas would be interested in getting together over the weekend to have a little one-on-one rematch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next: you're an actor in a haunted house and i accidentally punched you in the face when you scared me au


	4. you're an actor in a haunted house and i accidentally punched you in the face when you scared me au

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a (late) birthday present for the-orgasmic-seke, whose writing i admire very much. keep being awesome!!

Jade was so sick of complaining. She knew that Karkat was not enjoying himself, but did he have to be so vocal about it? 

“Everything about this is bad. Jade, you are awful for putting me through this, and you should feel bad,” Karkat said, wiping shaving cream and silly string off of his face and clothing. The children two rooms back had been brutal in their efforts to scare them.

Jade groaned. “You know what, Karkat? I do feel bad! I feel bad because you’re being a big stinky butthead who complains a lot, and I was hoping you would have fun but you very clearly are not, and that means I’m not having fun either! Here’s an idea, maybe you’d be happier if you just stayed quiet!” 

Karkat bristled at the reprimand. “Hey, I’m not that bad. I just don’t get why we had to go to a haunted house run by eight-year-olds instead of eating candy and watching zombie movies like we usually do!”

“I already told you,” Jade sighed, looking back at her companion as they walked through the dark hallway. “This is a fundraiser that my brother organised, it’s so his third grade class can have a sleepover at the science museum in the city. I thought it would be nice to support him, and now we’re here. And you’re complaining a whole lot.” 

She turned to face forward again just in time for the tip of her witch’s hat-- part of a costume she had worn every year since she was little-- to get caught on decorative spiderwebs, hanging from the ceiling and unseen in the dim light. 

“Ack!” she cried, her hands rushing up to untangle the spiderwebs. Karkat moved to help, but the coat of his complex pirate costume caught on some chicken wire leaning against the wall.

He let out a cry of his own, and tugged at the fabric. He didn’t come loose. Instead, there was a small snapping sound, and then a box of spiders crashed down on his head. 

There was a mixture of live and fake spiders in the box, but it was difficult to tell which ones were which. The some scuttled down Karkat’s arms, some caught on the ruffles of his red cravat, some got stuck on the brim of his tricorn hat. 

The high pitched shriek that escaped his mouth echoed in the dark hallway, only serving to freak him out more as he swatted quickly at the arachnids. Jade was screaming too, telling him not to kill them-- he wasn’t trying to, he knew they were important to the ecosystem and generally really cool creatures, but he needed to get them off, *now*-- and then suddenly a very tall scarecrow rounded the corner, jogging quickly over to them.

“Hey, are you folks all ri--” Karkat’s fist darted out and made contact with warm skin. 

Everything was still, and quiet, so quiet. Three sets of eyes widened. And then the blood started to run.

The scarecrow raised his hands up to his face, poking gingerly at his nose. “Oh. Oh, wow, yep, that’s blood.” 

Karkat realized he’d been holding his breath, and tried to breathe normally again. “Um. I’m really sorry. So sorry. Are you okay?”

The scarecrow laughed slightly as he fished around in the pockets of his overalls. “I’ll be okay. Just let me see if I still have those-- aha!” He triumphantly pulled out a few tissues, bringing some of them up to his nose. Carefully, he positioned them so that he could stop the bleeding and pinch his nostrils using one hand. He used his now free hand to gently untangle Jade’s witch hat from the spiderwebs, smiling easily. “I usually keep a few on me. These kids get snot on everything.”

Feeling a bit calmer now, Karkat started to pull on the chicken wire again. Aw. His awesome coat was going to be ruined, wasn’t it. 

“Here, let me help,” the scarecrow said, still holding bloody tissues to his face. He kneeled down near the wire, and with the added help of his nimble fingers, Karkat was soon free. 

But not before he noticed just how cute this scarecrow guy was. Oh, man. 

“Thanks, John,” Jade grinned. 

“Wait, what?” Karkat looked to her, confusion on his face. “You know him?”

John laughed. “Sure! She’s my sister,” he said as he pulled her into a hug. “Thanks for coming, Jade. So far, grownups haven’t really been enjoying the haunted house as much as I hoped. Maybe it was a bad idea to give the kids so much freedom…”

“I know what you mean,” Jade said, leaning into the hug. Maybe she hadn’t seen him in a while. “Karkat here’s been a wet blanket this whole time.”

Karkat’s face heated up. Come on Jade, not in front of the cute brother! “No I haven’t! It’s been-- it’s been great. Yeah.” Smooth. 

Luckily, John was distracted by the spiders at Karkat’s feet. “Oh my gosh, did Robbie set that up even though I told him not too? I’m so sorry, I told him that was going too far. I’ll have to talk with him.” 

“No, it’s okay! I mean, a haunted house is supposed to be scary, right? They certainly scared me enough to-- oh my gosh. I punched you in the nose, I just, I take boxing, and now you’re bleeding, and I’m the *worst*--” 

“Hey, hey,” John grabbed Karkat’s shoulder. “Everything’s fine, you’re fine, it’s all good. Don’t freak out just yet, okay? Hang on, I’ll walk you to the break room, we can talk there, and I also need an ice pack. Jade, can you take over my spot?” he said, taking Karkat’s hand and walking around the corner. “Scare somebody’s pants off, yeah?” 

Karkat tried to concentrate on the feeling of John’s hand in his as they walked quietly through the building. With John leading him, Karkat didn’t have to worry about what was behind every corner, because John knew. And for some reason, he trusted John a whole lot. 

Eventually they made their way to a small room, untouched by the halloween decorations everywhere else. It was lit warmly, and there was a round table in the middle with crayons and coloring books littering the surface. Leftover decorations were piled in cardboard boxes along the walls, and there was a small refrigerator humming in one corner, which John was rooting around in. Once he found an ice pack, he walked over to Karkat again. 

“So anyway, I--” John’s eyes widened. He put the ice pack and the bloody tissues down on the table. “You have spiders in your hair, can I…?” His hands made a plucking gesture.

Karkat gulped. “Please,” he said carefully. He held very still as John took his hat off and picked a few stray spiders from his hair. He saw a leg wiggle, so at least one of them was live. He tried not to release the whine that was building in his throat.

When John was satisfied with the spider removal, his fingers lingered for a moment at the crown of Karkat’s head. “Your hair is so fluffy,” he said softly. Their eyes met, and John smiled gently. 

Then Karkat’s gaze dropped down to his nose. “You’re bleeding again,” he pointed out, and reached for the ice pack and tissues, handing them back to John. 

John put the ice pack on the bridge of his nose. “To constrict the blood vessels,” he explained. 

Karkat nodded vaguely. That much was obvious to him, being in medical school and all. He took a deep breath. “I really am sorry for giving you a bloody nose. I was just freaking out, I guess.” He shrugged.

“I’m sorry too,” John said, muffled behind the ice pack. “I should have been paying more attention to my students. The whole spider thing was not okay.” He laughed. “There sure is a whole lot of apologizing between us, huh? Ooh!” He grinned at Karkat, bright and wide. “I know what would make this better. Apology breakfast. Seriously, my cousin Jane works at a cafe in town, she makes the best pancakes. I’ll treat.”

Karkat raised an eyebrow. “What if I wanted to treat? You should get to have apology breakfast too, you know.”

John somehow managed to smiled wider, and the skin near his eyes got all crinkly. “Well, I guess we’ll have to have apology breakfast again the next day. And maybe every day for a while, for good measure. And maybe, if that’s not enough, we could have apology dinner, or an apology picnic, or an apology movie night. Does that sound good to you?” 

Karkat’s smile was wide enough to rival John’s. Feeling happier than he had all night, he said, “Yeah. Yeah, it does.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> karkat’s costume is inspired by cosplayers in my cosplay/art/theory group Mainestuck. you can see a picture of them here:
> 
> http://merrygentlemen.tumblr.com/post/116867440514/a-group-of-awesome-cosplayers-from-mainestuck
> 
> the karkat is caroline constance. 
> 
> thanks for reading! :)
> 
> next time: i do stupid shit and you're my doctor!au


End file.
